


heads will roll

by spacebubble



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Anger, Angst, Coda, Episode: s01e02 Battle at the Binary Stars, Ficlet, Flashbacks, Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-06
Updated: 2017-10-06
Packaged: 2019-01-09 16:18:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12280080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacebubble/pseuds/spacebubble
Summary: Saru allows himself to ruminate on the aftermath of the Battle at the Binary Stars.





	heads will roll

**Author's Note:**

> tangentially inspired by Voyager's "[Before and After](memory-alpha.wikia.com/wiki/Before_and_After_\(episode\))" and the complex nature of knowing someone for years without necessarily considering yourselves friends. just a lil emotional gap-filler.
> 
> title from the [Yeah Yeah Yeahs](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=auzfTPp4moA) song, which is honestly such a mood?? you know your boy Saru wouldn't be taking things meekly afterwards.

This can’t be the right timeline.

For a brief moment, Saru imagines he’s living in an alternate universe. 

In the right timeline, Captain Georgiou’s alive and Michael never became a mutineer.

Saru drops to his knees. He buries his face in his hands. 

At least there’s no one else in his quarters.

Just him alone.

He had maintained his composure earlier, where it mattered the most. He refused to give in to tears, not when he was surrounded by stricken faces, not when he had to be strong for his fellow crewmates.

His shoulders shake with emotion.

If only he had been -

But could he have done any better than Burnham?

Brilliant Michael Burnham, who had loved Captain Georgiou more than anyone could possibly love anyone else?

If even Burnham couldn’t save the captain, how could he?

A raw and angry part of him snarls back. Recalls the moment he had discovered how lethal his Kelpien hooves could be. A red red rage, kicking at the enemy with all the force he could muster. Then, later, distantly explaining to Burnham later that he _had_ been terrified, the most scared he ever been, at the thought of watching her die in front of him.

He hadn’t meant to damage the enemy’s head that badly, but it was better than the alternative.

If anything happened to Burnham, it would break the Captain’s heart.

Would have broken.

Saru inhales shakily. 

And now there was no heart left to break.

He rubs at his eyes. Wishes he could travel in time.

Maybe back to that first day, when Burnham scanned the mess hall looking for an appropriate table to sit. How her reserved expression had softened when he waved her over and offered some of his salt. 

Nothing special. Not to him, at least.

Apparently the Vulcans she grew up with were inclined to treat her differently, beyond any logical adjustment for her human nature. Illogical, and they all knew it. But she would still hesitate before sitting down in a new mess hall, still overly conscious of the possibility that others wouldn’t want to be in her presence.

It didn’t make any sense to Saru.

Still doesn’t.

He had run on autopilot when he realized he could no longer sense the Captain’s lifesign. 

All he could think about was making sure Burnham came back.

Being so attuned to death helped him focus. A numbing effect that omitted everything else from view. 

He had to bring Burnham back. 

Captain Georgiou would never have forgiven him for allowing Burnham to stay in that hellhole any longer.

He couldn’t have forgiven himself, either.

Saru’s not sure if he’ll ever be able to extend that forgiveness to Burnham.

It’s not fair, and he knows it’s not fair.

He’s holding Burnham up to an impossible standard, and he knows it, but he can’t help feeling what he feels.

If anyone could live up to the impossible, it’s Michael Burnham.

Saru balls his hands into tight fists, digs the knuckles into the ground.

Burnham helped him learn how to fight better than the Academy ever did. Weeks of tutelage, on and off, honing his muscle memory until he could barely remember never knowing those movements. 

They might not ever see each other again, but maybe he could still learn.

A deeply irrational part of him fantasizes about encountering the Klingons again, making them rue their delusions of supremacy.

He would have to become stronger somehow. Do what Burnham couldn’t, if the chance ever came.

He hopes it never will.

Saru gets up off the floor. 

Right or wrong, this is the timeline that exists.

And he has to figure out how to exist in it.


End file.
